Careful, I bite.

I am being bitter today. I am being bitter today. I am being bitter today.

I was spending my weeks handling a number of mini work tasks, and there was this one customer that I was so sure about selling to cancelled the deal. Days of preparation for that customer went down the drain, leaving me to face my primary project review which I did not prepare for this Friday. Now, I did manage to brainstorm concepts to put into my project throughout the weeks, so I spent my time scrambling and stitching up all the ideas together just days before the review. I must say that I’m quite impressed with the results; the ideas have the potential. Nevertheless, they were unrefined, being the last minute work that they were.

So I blew it.

The presentation of my ideas was impromptu (which in my case is no different from poorly prepared), and the my half-assed selling talk only served to confuse my superiors. But that wasn’t too bad – I’m always one who opts for internal criticism. Despite the confusion, my superiors were being gentlemanly about it. And it’s better to be criticised inside the company when things can still change, than to be criticised when I deliver my seminar in public.

…two days passed.

In retrospection, I think I spent my weekend acting bitter to people I meet. I tried to cheer up; I wrote a fun program as proof of concepts for my project; I demoed it to my mum and cousin. I hoped they enjoyed it. But still, I think I acted and spoke with slight negativity…

It’s my teaching partner’s turn today in class*, and I must admit: somehow I felt left out. There was no confidence in me. What can I offer to my students? Is there something I have that’s worth learning from? Why am I not collaborating with my partner, why are we taking turns to teach? I understand that both of us have busy schedules (like everyone else), but would it kill to write an email? I need to send out an email.

And on the way to a restaurant for a family gathering, I snapped at my mum for constantly dictating which road I should take. I missed one of the turns, and I just went off at her. She’s hurt, and I felt bad about it. We made up later, as I asked her for directions on the way home.

And the weather today sucked. It’s like it’s about to rain, but not raining. Just like constipation.

———————

There was obviously a lot of guilt involved. I spent my time consoling myself, thinking that it’s okay to be down once in a while. But still there is guilt. And being smoked in a cloud of negativity, I feel down and burnt out. Everything looked bad. Well, almost everything. Feels like I should wait it out until the cloud inside my head disperses away, in case I start scorching people nearby.

“It’s okay lilboy, you are not perfect. No one said you had to be. You are human. It’s okay to slow down and take a break some times. Be kind, be gentle…”

Just then a friend called, asking me out for a movie tonight.

Footnote

* I teach as a volunteer for a class of teenagers. What do I teach? Chinese traditional education (think Confucius.) Perhaps I had the conception that we teachers should be like supermen and superwomen. Ridiculous – but I suspect that that’s exactly what I think, deep down inside.