Paranoia

There is a rich selection of words which we can use to describe our feelings. I guess this attests to the wide range of feelings that we have, and without question, there are even more feelings that we have not found words for. A feeling beyond what words could describe – that is the feeling that I am experiencing at this moment.

Howeverm I’m sure that it’s not that uncommon a feeling; I have felt it from time to time. You probably have felt this way before. It is a feeling which strongly reminds me of life’s predicament. Life is characterised by that unpredictability. It always has a way to come back and catch you off guard. You can be so sure of one thing, and the next thing that happens uproots whatever understanding and conviction that you have the moment before.

Life is also changing. lt never exhausts itself, changing at a pace that we can hardly keep up with. The new car that you have changes into an old car. The junior that you had is now the board member of a large company. The one person that you are once so deeply in love with, is no longer as lovable. You who were once so youthful and radiant, will one day lose your youth and radiance; will one day die. Life changes. And there is nothing you can do to outsmart these changes.

And life, like it or not – is brutlly impersonal. Things happen as they always do. That which can happen will happen. Life wouldn’t say things like, “Oh you poor thing; you’ve been through so much; and you deserve a break.” No, that does not happen. It something can happen, it is bound to happen. And it happens without any warning; life swiftly deals its cards, never holding back.

And this reflection led me to where I am right now.

We act as if tomorrow will come to us, the same as before, and shall remain the same for-ever. Why should we think otherwise, when we have awakened to see the morning come every day of our lives so far? The inevitability of sickness, old age, accidents and death do not cross their mind. I know for a fact that these things do not usually cross my mind.

But for the times where they actually do cross my mind, I am faced with a cold unforgiving reality. A reality where I am placed in a losing battle, where every path that I take, death awaits. Even if I can live to a 100, can I live till 200? If I can live till 200, can I last till 300? The question continues, but hte situation is clear: the only variable is how gradual will this process take to complete. The ending is the same: death.

And strangely, it’s a game that I cannot leave. It is a game where I am forced to play till the end.